On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me
a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Oh, my love! Thank you very much my angel. You realy are a sweetheart my darling. How wonderful. I was expecting something a little bit more like a Nintendo DS or a Wii or something I could play with, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts. And what an unusual idea.

On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Good morning my darling. I have just been awakened by my mother and been greeted with the 2 more wonderful gifts from you. How very kind of you my sweetheart. My father has just gone to make me a dovecote for the garden and I have put the partridge and the pear tree with the other one so that we have a matching pair now and they really look nice either side of the greenhouse. You will have to come over soon when Mummy and Daddy are out and I will be able to show you something intersting to do with a partridge feather. Did I mention that I wouldn’t mind a Nintendo DS?

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Oh my love, my angel, how much you must love me. The turtle doves are getting on fine with the two that you sent yesterday and we have had turkey yesterday and the day before and I am getting a bit sick of it, so the three French hens will do nicely for dinner tonight for a change, and my oh my - another partridge in a pear tree. I have put it down by the rhubarb. Silly me, all of these gifts are making me quite forgetful and I can’t remember whether I mentioned it or not but I WOULDN’T MIND A NINTENDO DS!

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Oh my Sweetheart, you really are going to town on the presents this year, aren’t you. The turtle doves are all cooing together beautifully and the French hens were very tender. They had a bit of a strange taste, but still very tender indeed, and now I have another three – we will have those on new Years Eve. The four calling birds have chased one of the partridges from its pear tree and taken it over as a roost, but the partridge has taken up home in one of the other pear trees which I have put next to the compost heap. My oh my but we are going to have a lot of pears next year aren’t we? – giggle -. Just in case you weren’t aware they have restocked up with the game section in Tesco’s and I think I hear somebody mention that the Nintendo DS’s were back in stock. I do love the pink one.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Oh My oh my. What can I say – the five golden rings are just gorgeous. You really shouldn’t have. I would have settled for a Nintendo DS. Daddy has gone to make a bigger dovecote for the back garden as we have got quite a flock now and we have changed our minds about eating the French hens again for New year as they laid eggs this morning and Mummy says that we should keep them and have fresh eggs instead. By the way – just thought I would mention it – They are doing a deal at Curry’s. You can get a Nintendo DS with Brain Training and Professor Layton and the Magical Castle thrown in at a knock down price.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Oh my love, the credit crunch certainly hasn’t hit you yet has it. And we have decided to eat the French hens for New years Eve after all now that we have the six laying Geese. And another five golden rings – my oh my business must really be good. Mummy says that with all of these pear trees we’ll be able to open a pear canning factory lol. By chance today I just happened to browse through the Argos catalogue and do you know on page 456 they have both the Nintendo DS and the Wii – just at the bottom of the page sweetheart – the pink one looks so cute and girlie doesn’t it?

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Hi there, well, what can I say apart from thank you. The swans have taken up residence in the pond fine. We now have plenty of goose eggs and more French Hens than enough for a feast over New year. I have noticed some black spots on the bark of the first pear tree that you sent. I don’t know whether it is something that the partridge has done or whether it is Pear tree blight. I will go online later on and take a look at one of the gardening sites to check it out. By the way – speaking of going online – Amazon are stocking the Nintendo DS again and – lol – would you believe it but they have the pink one in stock.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Good morning, can’t write much of a letter today as I have a head ache. The calling birds are waking me up quite early and one of those French Hens turned out to be a cockerel which has got em all going the moment the dawn arises. I will send you an email later on when I have sorted the Eight maids breakfasts out. I was chatting to the girl next door last night and her boyfriend has bought her a Nintendo DS for Christmas. What a lovely present to buy a girl don’t you think? I would really love one.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Nine Ladies Dancing,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Ok, enough is enough. What the hell am I supposed to do with nine ladies dancing? All I wanted was a Flaming Nintendo DS

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Ten Lords-a-Leaping,
Nine Ladies Dancing,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four calling birds
Three French
Two Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Are you taking the piss?

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eleven Pipers Piping,
Ten Lords-a-Leaping,
Nine Ladies Dancing,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

I am warning you!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve Drummers Drumming,
Eleven Pipers Piping,
Ten Lords-a-Leaping,
Nine Ladies Dancing,
Eight Maids-a-Milking,
Seven Swans-a-Swimming,
Six Geese-a-Laying,
Five Golden Rings,
Four Calling Birds,
Three French Hens,
Two Turtle Doves,
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Dear John,

Right you feckin pillock. I have had it with you. You can shove your presents up your arse. The garden including the rockery is full of feckin pear trees that are going to attract wasps all next summer. Now I can’t even hear myself think because of all drumming going on. And the pipers are all playing louder and louder trying to compete with the drummers. The Lords have stopped leaping and are all having it off with the ladies who should be dancing so the whole house resmbles something like a brothel on speed. We are drowning in sodding milk. I can’t see my fish any more because of the bloody swans – in fact we can’t go into the garden anymore because the place is full of feckin pear trees and swans which are fighting the geese which by the way have stopped bloody well laying. The calling birds are driving me nuts, the French hens taste like shit and the roof of the house is covered in pigeon crap from all of those doves. You can feck off – all I wanted was a bloody Nintendo DS you gobshite.